i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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