nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He felt like a one man threesome
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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