hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
