best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
