your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
