I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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