The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
