I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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