So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
