The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
