We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
