we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
