i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
