Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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