she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
