All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Randomize
