Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I AM VODKA MAN
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
