This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
