I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Barsexuality is the new black.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
