i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
