he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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