Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
