Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
