so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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