Your face is a jimmy john
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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