Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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