just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
