we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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