dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
