Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
