Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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