I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Every concussion has its silver lining
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
