filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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