Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Congratulations! We have a period
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