I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
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He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
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I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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