Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
