I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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