Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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