If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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