My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
