my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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