4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just threw up on my dentist
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My dick has a subreddit
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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