Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
