When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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