new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
