my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
