I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
