currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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