Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
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Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
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It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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