I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
