I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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