if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
