don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
