Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
