Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
