I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I want a musical about memes.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
