Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
